Handling conflict in relationships
By Ken Stewart, Centerstone
May 8, 2021

No matter how perfect your partner may seem, there is no such thing as a problem-free relationship. Big or small, differences of belief occur in any relationship, and these may lead to moments of disagreement. So how do we address these times of tension in a healthy way? Here are some helpful tips on working together through conflicts.

Focus on one issue at a time. If there are multiple disagreements between you and your partner, prioritizing the issues and focusing on one at a time can bring faster resolution. Splitting your focus between multiple conflicts may be overwhelming and bring up even more negative feelings that will make restoring harmony that much harder. Take just one conflict at a time, seeing your progress as you go; you may even resolve one conflict by resolving another!

Learn when to pause. While you shouldn’t continually put off arguments hoping they will resolve themselves, there are still good reasons to pause the pressure. If you feel yourself getting ready to make personal insults, take a break from the argument. If you’ve been arguing about the same topic for a long time without resolving it, stop and consider finding a new way to discuss the topic.

Avoid jabs. Do your best to not make unnecessary and hurtful comments. When emotions are high, both parties may begin to make accusations at each other, which simply won’t help solve anything. While discussing a conflict, stick to the discussion at hand and the facts surrounding it. While it’s important to express your feelings so that you’re understood, don’t say things with the intention of hurting the other person’s feelings.

In your efforts to return to peace, always consider what started the disagreement. You may need to adjust how a conflict is approached based on how it came about.

When the conflict is a result of something you did: If a conflict was stirred as a result of your actions, take full responsibility. Don’t look for reasons to pin any of the blame on your partner – own up to it. Be honest about what led to the action and subsequent conflict, and take the lead in resolving it. Explain what action steps you will take to avoiding the offense in the future. Show, don’t just tell.

When the conflict is a result of something your partner did: If you’re not the reason for the conflict, you may still have work to do on your end. While working through the conflict, stick to using “I” statements, saying how you feel about what happened rather than focusing on what they did. Be intentional about listening, not just telling your partner what they did wrong and what they need to do to fix it. Avoid making assumptions, and give them a chance to reach resolution for both of you.

If you feel that you need extra help managing your relationship, Centerstone is just a phone call away. Call us at 1-877-HOPE123 (877-467-3123) or visit centerstoneconnect.org to get connected with care.

Ken Stewart is a licensed Senior Psychological Examiner and Regional Vice President at Centerstone overseeing the organization’s integrated behavioral health care services in the South Central and Southeast regions of Tennessee.